I was watching Oprah’s Lifeclass the other night and author and speaker Iyanla Vanzant was talking about changing the stories that we tell ourselves.
Oftentimes these stories are true. They are parts of our life and parts of our past that happened. Yes, you have been hurt and mistreated and lied to and cheated on and stolen from and stepped on. Yes, your childhood was far from stellar and you weren’t treated as well as you should have been by your parents. Yes, you have had trouble speaking up for yourself and have been walked on by others because of that. Yes, your health isn’t great and you have battled one illness after the other. Yes, you lost a lot of money in the stock market when the economy tanked. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. These are all facts. No one is denying that.
But by staying in these stories, you’re staying in the past. By staying in these stories, you’re making it next to impossible to move on and create a new story. By staying in these stories, you’re deciding to remain a victim. I know that these are harsh words, but they are true. Believe me, I know. I have stayed in my own disempowering stories for years.
But what I’m realizing is that if we continue to blame the circumstances of our past, we never have to take responsibility for our present and future. Our life will always be more of the same. If you have always been that way, then you are giving yourself a way out – you’ll never have to step up and change, right? But I know that I want to change, and I suspect that you do as well. Staying stuck in these stories is keeping us from moving forward into our dream lives – the lives that we feel we were born to live.
One thing that I find particularly fascinating about our stories is that we’ve carried them around for so long that we just assume they are our own. And yet, oftentimes they aren’t ours at all. They have been handed down in our family or given to us by society or projected onto us from someone who didn’t realize what they were doing – didn’t realize how impressionable we were and how powerful words can be.
If we dissected each story that we tell ourselves and others, we could begin to see where it came from.
Oftentimes these stories are passed down from generation to generation:
- “In our family, we don’t go to college. We are hard workers, but we aren’t book smart.”
- “In our family, we are prone to depression. It’s just in our genes.”
Sometimes we have unspoken stories in our family that are just beneath the surface:
- “It’s not okay to show emotions. If we are upset, it’s better to stuff it down and deny feeling this way.”
- “Money doesn’t come easily. We have to struggle to have it, and even then it slips through our fingers.”
Other times, someone told you a story when you were a child, and you accepted it as your own:
- “You’re not very smart. Learning is hard for you. You probably won’t get very far in life.”
- “You’re very frail and sickly. You’re going to have a hard life just trying to stay healthy.”
Sometimes, our stories come from society:
- “The world is a violent place – no one can be trusted.”
- “The recession is making it hard for anyone to get by and prosper.”
- “The chances of making a living from your business are slim to none. It’s better to play it safe and go get a ‘real’ job.”
And sometimes, our stories come from a small part of ourselves that is afraid of change – afraid to fly toward our dreams:
- “Change is hard. It’s better to just stay in this comfortable place – even if I am not completely happy because who knows what will happen if I leave the known.”
- “I am not really worthy of much – why do I even bother trying?”
- “I am too shy to take the stage – even if I have a message to share, it’s just too much of a stretch. And who would want to hear me talk anyway?”
Sometimes our stories are events that happened to us:
- We were abused.
- We were fired.
- We have/had a serious illness.
Sometimes our stories are made up from our behaviors:
- We are afraid of commitment.
- We are super emotional.
- We are scatterbrained.
But what every single story has in common is the fact that we can let go of it if we choose to. We don’t have to carry these stories around any longer. We can decide to create new stories that we tell ourselves and share with the world. And we can decide that right now.
I have decided to change my story.
These are some of the stories that I have repeated throughout my life:
I am shy. I have extreme stage fright. I don’t push through fears. I say no when I am given the opportunity to shine. My body is fragile. I am not able to physically do what most people can do. I have to treat myself with kid gloves a lot of the time. Money doesn’t come easily to me. I feel strange accepting money for sharing my gifts. You have to work hard and struggle to achieve in life.
I have begun to form my new story. Here is what I have so far:
I am grateful to be a part of this beautiful world. Everything flows easily to me and from me, including love, money, health, and happiness. I embrace every way that I can share my message with others, and I know that I am always supported by the universe each and every time I step into the public arena. I am strong – body, mind, and spirit. And I am always loved.
Now it’s your turn.
Write down the story that you’ve been telling yourself and others.
And then write down your new story. Your empowering, positive, uplifting, story. The one that you will feel proud to share. And then come back and share it with us. We’re all waiting to hear it. 🙂
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P.S. – I’m over at Powered by Intuition today chatting about soulful journaling! Definitely stop by! 🙂
It’s so funny- my husband wondered why I dvr’d this show on the OWN network. While I previously was not a fan of Iyanla, I loved this episode! I am such a “what’s your story? what kind of self talk do you tell yourself?” awareness freak that I couldn’t do anything but love this show. 🙂 Thanks for sharing this!
I’m so glad you saw it, too! Wasn’t it powerful! And I loved how she showed how quickly we can slip back into our stories without even realizing it. When she had to keep reminding the guy to stop telling the story, it drove it home for me.
Jodi,
I love the example of you changing your life story. I have written a life script in the past and it served that same purpose. Sometimes we don’t realize the stories we tell ourselves and the self-limiting themes that run through them. I really connect with how you mention if we don’t let go of past blame and regret we will never take responsibility to alter the course of our life and create our desired future. A great post!
Thanks so much, Joe! Yes, retelling our story and choosing what to include is such a powerful exercise. When you wrote your life script did you record it? I recently read Your Destiny Switch by Peggy McCall, and she recommended recording our script and listening to it over and over again. I may just have to do that! 🙂
I am reading a fabulous book on ‘story’. It’s called “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years” by Donald Miller. It’s about creating a great story in your life.
Old story – I’m more shy, not good enough, a follower. I ‘ve been raised with , ‘don’t be silly’.
New story – I’m silly – Yay!, I am quite good at speaking to groups and I’m loving it. I’m really coming out and sharing my essence with others.
The ‘not good enough’ is an ongoing theme. I’m certainly not a follower; I walk to my own beat/values/priorities. I’m not the leader of the pack though and I don’t need to be.
Great post!!
Thank you for that book suggestion, Harriet! I just added it to my list of books to read!
I love that you shared both stories with us. And I love that you’re embracing your silly side. I may just have to include that in my new story, too. My old story says that I’m pretty serious. But my new story says that I am actually pretty funny and can let loose, too. 🙂
It seems that just by writing out both stories, we’re both getting more clear about how we want to live our lives. I love that.
Hi Jodi,
I love this post. It speaks to my heart. We do listen to our inner thoughts, as well as family stories and they can hold us back. I find this one so interesting…“In our family, we don’t …” It is definitely the pack mode of operation, not allowing for individual differences. We all have our family “stuff” and most parents did the best they could, but as you said so well in this post, it is so important to let go of the old stories and find a new one.
Thanks, Cathy!
Yes, every family has a language of its own, don’t they? This is definitely not about blame – we all are doing the best we can with the tools that are available to us in each moment. But I love knowing that I don’t have to continue telling certain stories that are disempowering or don’t make me feel alive. I get to choose a different story to tell. We all do, and that’s so exhilarating and freeing! 🙂
This is a really great post! And I love Iyanla Vanzant. I’m also a huge fan of telling a new story…creating a new story. Challenges arise and crap happens, but staying stuck just isn’t an option for me these days.
Thank you, Nea!
I’m so glad that staying stuck isn’t an option for you either. I’m sometimes terrified, but I’m determined to keep moving forward and creating my new story. Actually – I’m going to reword that right here and now and say that I’m strong and ready to soar and fully expect life to flow! 🙂 So glad we’re on this journey together!
I think it really comes down to the story of “I am” and the truth is that we are not our thoughts. We’re also not our circumstances, we’re not our parents, we’re not our jobs—none of that is us. We are the listener. The one who listens to all of this chatter that tells us our conditioning. If we could live from that place, I think a lot of our problems in life would dissolve.
That’s a great point, AJ, and so true. My entire world changed when I realized this – when I could step above everything and see my life for what it was rather than for what I thought it was. It was a life changer for sure. 🙂
Way to change your story, Jodi! It’s so true that we carry so many stories of which we’re unaware and limit ourselves unknowingly. To share a fun example, because of a bad experience on a tennis team 2 years ago, I was convinced I was a lousy tennis player. It was such an ingrained story that when I hit great shots, I’d immediately wonder, “Did I do that?” I’m telling a different myself a different story now, and enjoying the game so much more. 🙂 Thanks again for this great post! Love to you, Alice
Thank you so much, Alice!
I love how you changed your tennis story! Really what matters the most is that you are having fun, and it seems that you’re doing exactly that now.
I really think that updating our stories is such a powerful exercise – one that I’m going to continue doing myself.
Sending so much love your way!
The way you share and inspire is totally awesome J!
I am so excited you wrote about “the story”. When I coach people and in an online program I designed to help people overcome social anxiety, my very first lesson is on “beliefs and stories”. It really is so profoundly powerful.
My story used to be one much like yours of being shy and not being good with people. Boy, have I changed. I’ve done a lot of work, but it’s been well worth it. And still, sometimes that old story comes back, but I acknowledge it and let it pass, looking to who I am and want to continue to be.
Gentleness and compassion for that old story, that is served us in some way I’ve found to be useful, too. Recognizing we were doing the best we could, having compassion for that, is a powerful practice to let go, I’ve found.
Thank you so much, David!
That’s so great that you’ve consciously changed your story. It sounds like we have many similarities in our “old” stories, and I’m sure our “new” stories have a lot in common as well. 🙂
I love what you shared about being compassionate with our old story – it’s so true that we’re always doing the best we can with the tools we had at the time.
My old story does still tend to pop up, especially as I stretch more and more, but I’m staying aware of it and will continue moving through it. Thankfully, I have so many wonderful people (including you) supporting me throughout this journey. 🙂
Thanks for such an insightful post, and for sharing your own before/after story lines to get us started. My story has changed dramatically, as has my entire life, and all for the better! http://choosingthebetterlife.blogspot.com/p/about-me.html
OLD: I’m tired. I’m overworked. I’m stressed. I don’t have time for friends and fun. I live too far from family. I hate winter. I’m sick – again. I’ve had nothing but heartache in relationships. I’m reeling from emotional trauma. I let others determine how I feel. I’m lonely. My beloved dog is the brightest spot in my day. I’m Type A to the max. Life doesn’t feel as fulfilling as it should. I feel like I’m just marking time.
NEW: Endless sunshine and water views buoy my spirit daily. I enjoy seeing my family more often. I love having time to be happily domestic at home and social with many friends. Deep, steady, solid love fills my heart. I am healthy and rested. I’m content within myself. I’m still highly organized and detail-oriented, but I can go with the flow, too. I take each day as it comes and am open to how the future will unfold. I am thankful for the abundance of good and Grace in my life. I still love my dog but we’re no longer co-dependent. 🙂
Hi Dawn,
I LOVE your new story! Wow – it’s so powerful and refreshing and feels great to read! I love that you have made conscious choices to change you life – you’ve taken the first step and then some! Your blog sounds great – I’m off to check it out now.
Thanks for your reply, Jodi. I’m thrilled to be connected with you!
Hey Jodi, a wonderul way of telling people to re-write the story they keep telling themselves. It’s so true that we convince ourselves of the strange things and make those the reasons that things are the way they are.
Thank you so much, Amit!
I’m so glad you liked this post!
It’s true that our minds are very powerful and can often run astray if we aren’t conscious. It’s good to stay aware of the stories that we’re telling ourselves and make sure they are empowering us to live the life we know that we are meant to live. 🙂