This post is dedicated to my sweet dog-ter, Xena,
who passed away at the age of 14 on December 17th.

When we first said helloXENAON~1

On a spring day in 2003, I saw a ball of fluff bounding up to me out of the corner of my eye. You were an energetic, beautiful, vibrant dog with the sweetest smile that I’d ever seen. You jumped into my arms right away, and I knew that you were something special. 

We had just moved to this isolated road in the middle of the New Mexican mountains. Such majestic, rugged surroundings. And you happened to live across the street. What a blessing.

dan and xena

You were right at home in the mountains. You had complete freedom. You ran and played and never knew what the inside of a home was like. You went where you wanted when you wanted, and, lucky for us, you usually wanted to be right where we were.

wedding kisses

I never felt such a connection to a dog before. I never wanted to be around a dog as much as I wanted to be around you. I couldn’t be close enough. Couldn’t possibly smother you with kisses enough. Couldn’t love you enough.

You were so wise and had such kind eyes. “Our Buddha Dog,” we called you.

We saw you every day for many years. We loved you. We played with you. We took walks with you. We bonded with you. We became a family.

And then everything changed. Dan got into graduate school, and we were moving to California. We cried about leaving you. We asked if we could bring you with us.

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We prayed that you could come. But the timing wasn’t right. You had never been inside. You had your Xuxa to play with. You had your freedom. And we didn’t have the final say. 

When we first said goodbye (for now)

jodi and xena1 (2)So we left, and it broke our hearts. We knew we would be back in a few months to visit. But we also knew that it wouldn’t be the same.

And it wasn’t.

We put your picture on our shelf – front and center. We cried and cried that we had to leave you. We imagined that you were with us and that we were a family again. We told everyone we met about you.

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We showed them your picture. We shared how special  you were to us and how empty our hearts were without you. We wished upon all of the stars that we could find a way to all be together again.

And our wish came true.

When we next said hello 

dan and xena in parkIn 2007, we came to visit and found out that your beloved sister, Xuxa, had just died. We found out that you started running onto the highway. And we were asked if we wanted to bring you home after all.

!!! !!! !!!

We canceled our flight, rented a car, bought a dog bed and some food, and began our adventure of smothering you daily with love, love, and more love.

jodi and xena (2)You had to learn how to be a house dog. You had to learn how to walk on a leash. You had to learn how to live with ridiculously overprotective parents. You had to learn how to not have complete freedom and still be okay with it.

And you were so smart. And so patient. And also so stubborn. 🙂 You were absolutely perfect.

We were so grateful that we got to spend our days snuggling up to your warm, fluffy fur. We were so excited when you learned new tricks and ate your first bone and barked at the mailman.

We loved how your eyebrows had at least a million different expressions, and we learned what each of these expressions meant. We laughed that you were afraid of the camera and kitchen sounds and pretty much every inside noise – knowing that you had never heard any of them before.

We were amazed at how quickly you ate your food – in just a few gulps. And we were so proud of how smart you were when we would hide your bone, and you would always find it and hold it up above your head and run outside with it.

dan and xena12We were so, so grateful for each moment with you. For each year with you. For each birthday that we celebrated with you. For each hug that we gave you. For each paw up that you gave us, letting us know that we weren’t done loving you.

And we knew that our time together couldn’t last forever. We knew it.

But we still hoped for a miracle when your health declined. And we got it. We got six more magical months with you. We got to get in extra snuggles and extra love. We got to tell you a million more times how much we loved you and how thankful we were for you.

When we said goodbye (for now)

xena runningAnd then you were gone.

So quickly. So suddenly. So soon. So abruptly.

And here we are. In shock. Completely lost. So devastated.

But still in love. Always in love.

Because love doesn’t end the second your heart stopped beating. Love doesn’t end the moment you took your last breath. Our love doesn’t end. Ever. It goes on and on and on and on. Forever.

And I see you in my dreams. And I feel you are still here and also still in New Mexico. I feel you loving me. And I know you feel me loving you.

I will love you forever and ever and ever.

xena and jodi in park

And I know that we’re still together – it’s just different. But the love is still there. It’s always there. 

Just like you’re always there. And I’m always here. Loving you.

Oh, how I love you, sweet Xena Ballerina Pie Head.

Thank you for loving me and for opening my heart and for being exactly who we needed exactly when we needed you.

Thank you for being the greatest gift that I have ever been given. And for giving me the greatest gift that I’ve ever received: your everlasting, purely unconditional, always sweet love.

I will love you forever.

Mama

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