I’ve been communicating with my main spirit guide, Sarah, more and more lately.

And yes, I know how absolutely woo-woo this sounds. I know that. If you’re not sure what to think of this, believe me, I get it! Just a couple of years ago, I wouldn’t have believed it either. But… so many miracles have happened in my life to help me believe, and so I’m 100% on board now. My skepticism has taken a back seat to my spirituality, and I’m enjoying this magical ride! If you would care to suspend your rational thoughts for a moment and continue, I would love that!

I recently wrote about Sarah in my post about the blinking lights. (Click here if you are just now hearing about it.) I had been on a self-care streak (a record for myself, really), and the magical strand of lights was blinking every day – always when I stopped working and took care of myself. And then I fell back into my old pattern of working around the clock and barely coming up to breathe. And for days and days, the lights remained solid.

I would try to get Sarah to budge – I would watch a movie and look over to see if she approved. But the lights remained solid. I took a few hours off and again ran in the room to see, but still they were solid. I was so, so tired, and so finally I decided that I needed an entire day of self care. An entire day to rest and replenish. So yesterday, I turned my den into a cocoon. I closed the curtains, brought in my pillows and blanket, shut the door, and camped out on the couch. I read an amazing book (more on this soon!), watched chick flicks, spaced out, and slept. I thought for sure that would be enough for the lights to blink. But still, they remained solid.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to get myself out of this self-care deficit.

And then last night, something happened. The moon was full, and I felt a heaviness on my heart. It was the lunar eclipse, which is a time to look backward and release and heal from pain from our past. Early in the day, a painful memory popped into my mind seemingly out of the blue. Seventeen years ago, one of my pets died horribly, and I wasn’t there to protect him. While in my head I know that I couldn’t have saved him and that I didn’t do anything wrong, my heart has had such a hard time releasing the self blame. It’s one of those pains that I had stuffed down very deep and didn’t realize how much it was still impacting my everyday life. Because it’s not something that I want to spend time thinking about, I quickly pushed it out of my mind and moved onto thinking about something else.

And then I spent the day reading about shame and vulnerability – courtesy of the brilliant Brene Brown. (I’ll definitely write an entire post about this amazing book soon.) And all of this was seeping into my unconscious – chipping away at my broken heart and helping the pieces rise to the surface.

Later that night, I was talking to my soul-love, Dan, about this powerful book, and the subject of shame came up. While we hadn’t talked about my sweet baby dying in many years, it’s the example that he brought up. He was saying that I carried such shame around this when it didn’t make any sense – it wasn’t my fault. 

And that’s when the tears started flowing. That’s when the releasing and healing began.

Dan helped me see how this incident still held so much power because it wasn’t just about my sweet one’s death. It was about my not being there to protect him, just like I felt like I wasn’t there to protect myself when I was molested as a child. On an unconscious level, I swore that I would never allow anything bad to happen to my babies, and so I felt like I let myself down when he died. Especially because I was away having a girls’ weekend when it happened – having fun and practicing self care. I let my guard down, and my baby died.

So in my mind at the time, I put it all together and wrapped it into one big shame ball. I equated self care with loss. I equated joy and fun with tragedy.

Which is why I have had such a hard time letting down my guard ever since. Which is why I’ve had such a hard time taking care of myself and enjoying my life. I believed that bad things happen when you let your guard down. They did when I was a child, they did with my sweet pet, and I definitely wasn’t going to let it happen again.

So I pushed and pushed. There wasn’t time for relaxing – not on my watch. I was always vigilant and careful with my fuzzy babies. I wasn’t going to lose another one. And in the process of all of this pushing, I became extremely fatigued and joyless.

And all of this came to a head last night.

Realizing these patterns was so freeing. Seeing how they were related to my childhood helps me see that it’s time to heal this space within my heart, and now I know where to start: with the child within me that didn’t feel protected.

Anyway – back to my spirit guide. After many, many days of the lights being solid, today they started blinking again. And I realized that it wasn’t just that I needed to veg out on the couch. It wasn’t just that I needed to stop working. She needed me to go within and process these deep emotions. She needed me to open up and let these painful emotions out. And even though they are painful to feel, I already feel so much lighter and relieved. I feel more at peace and much freer.

Sarah had a message for me that I’m sharing with you below. It was very healing for me to read, and I hope it’s helpful for you as well.

I need you to hear me. I need you to listen – really listen. I need you to open up and allow what I have to say to go deep into your heart. I need you to let it sit there for a long while before you react.

I need you to remember why you’re here. I need you to stop doing so much – like you’re in a race, and the world is gaining on you.

I need you to reflect more and push less. I need you to be still. To take breaks. To give yourself permission to be joyful and free.

I need you to love yourself more – to know that you are amazing and kind and beautiful in every way. I need you to believe that you are worthy. You are enough.

I need you to release the shame that you carry. It’s time. I need you to be brave enough to bring this pain to the surface – shine the light on it, so you can watch it dissolve into the universal love.

I need you to relax into the unknown. I need you to trust that you’ll always be loved and taken care of.

I need you to carry this deep knowing that you’re never alone and that you’re always supported by the universe. I need you to step into the greatness that has always been you.

I need you to embrace the ebb just as much as the flow. I need you to reward yourself for what you don’t do just as much as you reward yourself for your accomplishments.

I need you to ask for help and reach out to others when you are tired and weary. I need you to be willing to receive guidance and support. I need you to continue being vulnerable – knowing that your truth will resonate with someone.

I need you to share from your heart at all times. Your beautiful, loving heart can light the world. I need you to bravely shine your light – knowing that it will illuminate another’s path.

I need you to talk to me. To share with me. To include me. Always.

I need you to remember that you’re having an experience of being human right now. This is true. But you are still inside your body – the you that you’ve always been. Remember that essence – that purity – that loving being. She’s still you. You’re still her.

I need you to remember that you’re pure love. That we’re all pure love. That we’re all connected because of this love.

Remember this love within you when you’re feeling down or you are tired and unsure and can’t see the path ahead.

Remember this light within you when you are afraid of moving forward.

Remember that you have a beautiful reason for being here.

You have a purpose to spread light all around the world. And in order for you to illuminate the world, you first have to illuminate yourself – through rest and replenishing and stillness and reflection. Please remember that. I need you to really get that.

I’m always here, and I’m always loving you.

♥ Sarah

Reading Brene’s book yesterday helped me see that while it can be uncomfortable to share vulnerably from my heart, it’s absolutely essential that I do. That we all do. In doing so, we give each other permission to do the same. So while this post isn’t the easiest for me to share, I’m doing so because I want to show up right where I am. I want to meet you in that place where we are pure and authentic and exactly who we are.

So this is me – unfiltered and in process. Just like the rest of us. Living life and learning each step of the way.

Thank you so much for being a part of this journey with me. I am forever grateful.

Hugs,